Unfortunately that's not what I found here at Western, not completely. What I found were people who spent most of their time partying an sleeping around. I found people who couldn't care less about their classes, who had no idea what they were doing at college. I found that many of my classes in senior year were harder than the general education requirements I'm taking now. I hardly ever found thoughtful discussion, just gossip. I didn't find those deep, interesting people I had imagined. I was so disappointed. And what's worse is that when I voiced my frustrations with college, people said something along the lines of "Oh yeah, college sucks." That's not what you told me in high school! Everyone had told me that I would LOVE college. That I would fit right in. That it would be the best time of my life. And now they were telling me that it's not all it's cracked up to be?
Disappointment plus not having many close friends at college led to loneliness and some depression. I spent a lot of time alone in my dorm room. I spent hours on the phone and computer talking to my best friend 500+ miles away, often complaining about how much it all sucked. I latched onto him so much that he was my single social contact. Coming home for a month and half of winter break, I decided to spend time with old friends, work on a photo story to keep me occupied, and try to get a job. The job was a bust. Nobody was hiring, especially not for one month. I hung out with friends, which was fun, but being apart had removed a lot of common ground. And as for the photo story, I was only able to work on it towards the end of break, and laziness kept me in bed when I should have been shooting. I wasn't much happier, and it was ruining my self esteem, my relationships, and my life.
Talking to a few people helped me realize that I needed to change. My dad told me not to be a victim in my own life. My friend told me to try to find some college friends to keep me sane. But some of the best advice I got was from Diana Hsieh at NoodleFood. I emailed her asking how she got to be so happy and if she had any advice for improving my life in college. She sent this in return:
Miranda --
I wasn't particularly happy in college. I was actually pretty depressed at
times.
I was definitely lonely; I found few interesting people in my classes. My
two best friends were from outside school.
Also, I felt too much at the beck and call of the people and events around
me, such that I couldn't create my own life. I felt caught between still
being my parents' kid (like still going home for summers, finishing college
on my father's schedule, etc) and creating my own life. I disliked the
grind of coursework -- something I still hated as a graduate student. I
never felt like I had enough time to seriously think about what I was
learning.
I think two decisions kept me relatively sane in college:
(1) I got a apartment off-campus in my sophomore year. (I had two
roommates.) I could live my own life to a great extent, rather than living
the standard college dorm life. I could cook my own food, keep my own
schedule, pay my own bills, spend time alone, etc. Those little things
mattered a great deal to me.
(2) I worked a regular job outside of school -- as a waitress in a
restaurant in a nearby business district. I liked the people I worked with
better than I liked the people I was in class with. I had more interesting
-- and more real -- conversations with them. I was proud of the money that
I made.
Still, I wasn't terribly happy -- and sometimes I was pretty miserable.
After college, life got much better very quickly, I felt like my life was
finally my own: I came into my own as a person. I moved to a new city --
not back to my home town. I felt no obligation to heed my parents' advice,
as they weren't supporting me. (My parents aren't overbearing, although I
did have a big fight with my mother the first time I didn't come home for
Christmas.) I began developing my own interests apart from anything I'd
ever learned in school (e.g. programming, gardening). Still, I wasn't
dating the right person for me, and that created problems and conflicts.
Ultimately, my life has become mostly fabulous since my marriage to Paul.
(The worst time -- by far -- was when I was finishing up my coursework in
graduate school. UGH.) I won't bore you with the details of that, but the
critical fact is that life is so very easy with him. I never feel hampered
or restricted by him, as I did with prior boyfriends. Also, since we've
been married, I've been able to cultivate my own personal interests even
more -- like gardening, cooking, fitness, etc. (Note that those are largely
physical pursuits. I figure that I do enough hard thinking in my regular
work.)
All of that is probably more than you needed to know. For concrete
recommendations, I'd recommend that you think about living and working
off-campus, if you're not doing that already. Find some way of interacting
with real people (i.e. not college students or professors) in pursuit of
some common values, e.g. take a cooking class or start crossfit training.
You might also consider starting some kind of project that matters to you
personally -- like pursuing some fitness goal or learning to cook or
learning to shoot pistols or something. Or find better people on the
internet. Or start some internet-based project in pursuit of something that
matters to you.
I hope you find that helpful. College life does suck in many ways -- so you
just have to work around it if you choose to stay.
--DMH
Wow, did that help. I'm not the only one who was disappointed by college! Someone else had gone through the same thing and come out the other side loving life.
Something else that helped was Craig Biddle's lecture "God Said". Part of the lecture focuses on how to apply Objectivism to you life. One of the lessons that stuck out in my mind is that in order to achieve happiness, one has to pursue values. To seek out productive work, fulfilling hobbies, good relationships, and work towards maintaining one's freedom.
I hadn't done any of that. I realized that the reason my life sucked so much was that I wasn't being selfish. I wasn't making myself and my happiness my central purpose. Instead I was focusing too much on other people and how they were ruining my college experience. I wasn't pursuing values, I was sitting in my dorm room waiting for life to change. I was playing the victim. I had thought that by simply supporting Objectivism, by believing in man as an end himself, believing in selfishness and rationality, that I had already succeeded in being a true Objectivist. But I wasn't living by the principles I believed in, which is the whole point.
So after that mini-epiphany I made a list of things to do to make sure life was better this semester. I call it "College Take Two."
1. Get a job. (This has proven to be tough in a college town in a bad economy. Nobody seems to be hiring. Nonetheless I've put out applications to many places and continually check the classifieds. Also applied for some internship, including the ARI Summer Internship!)
2. Go to more PJ events. (I'm finding photojournalism kids are the passionate interesting people I was looking for. Socializing with them is always fun, and being around them makes me more involved with my work.)
3. Start working out. (Eh, I've been slacking on this one. I don't particularly like exercising in front of people at the gym, and it's too cold to be outside much. But I do plan on starting dance classes next semester and I'm looking out for local adult classes now.)
4. Talk to more people. (I can't meet those fabulous people if I don't reach out, right? This includes just talking more to strangers, people at parties, classmates, etc.)
5. Go to more events on and off campus. (Another way to meet people, to probe for photo story ideas, and check out some cool stuff. So far I've gone to more of PJ lectures, parties, deaf community events, and some poetry readings.)
6. Pick a minor. (I've tested out of some classes, so I'm a few classes ahead. I need a minor soonish. Right now I'm considering minoring in dance, philosophy, or film studies, though I really wish I could minor in ASL. I'm meeting with department heads and trying to sit in on a few classes to make the decision.)
7. Apply like hell for scholarships. (I barely got any for this year. I'd rather not dig the hole deeper with student loans next year.)
8. Get a library card. (I like to read.)
9. Get a 4.0. (Being super white and my parents "making too much money", I need kick ass grades to get the academic scholarships. I got a 3.8 last semester.)
10. Develop my interests. (Listen to more performance poetry. Get more involved in colorguard. Read. Start a blog.)
So far I've been doing better, a lot better than last semester. It's still a struggle at times since I'm not the best at handling my emotions. I have to constantly remind myself of this list and to keep things in perspective. But I'm happier. I feel more in control of my life. I don't have many close friends at college, but being alone doesn't suck anymore. I only expect things to get better.
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24 comments:
Thank you for posting this
> ". . . in order to achieve happiness, one has to pursue values."
Yes, because of the very nature of happiness. It is a state of mind (akin to an emotion, but overarching and very slow to change). It is the state of mind that arises from achieving one's highest values (both philosophical and personal).
I strongly recommend reading the entries under "Happiness" in The Ayn Rand Lexicon. And the reading should be in the book, not online. Understanding requires note-taking accumulated over a period of years. It's hard to do that online.
Another, related point: One's own happiness should be one's ultimate purpose in life. It is at the very top of one's hierarchy of values and purposes. All other purposes lead up to it. For example, one's central purpose in life--which is an abstract statement subsuming one's productive activities throughout life--is the main pathway to happiness, but not the only one. (My three highest personal values, leading to happiness, are my work, my friends, and my favorite leisure activities.)
See "Purpose" in The Ayn Rand Lexicon for many illuminating entries.
I describe my view of central purpose in life here in a May 2008 post on my weblog, Making Progress.
I really enjoyed reading about your experience, because I've been rather disappointed by my college this year too. (I'm a freshman.) I came to MIT because it was "the best, the smartest, the quirkiest, the most challenging" -- so I expected to find people who enjoyed a challenge, who sought achievement and wanted to make the most of their lives.
Instead I'm surrounded by -- just like you said -- people whose only interests are sleeping around and getting drunk, graduating while doing the least amount of work possible, and complaining about how little time they have (whilst finding plenty of time to look up porn and racist jokes on the Internet).
Incorporating Objectivism into my daily habits has been a learning process for me, too. Little pieces just keep "clicking" in, one by one. Like the day I realized that I was letting myself become "obligated" to help friends, and as a result, was being a worse friend, because I resented them and was scared of "what they'd need next." As soon as I made the decision that their need would never determine how much I choose to help them, I was not only much happier -- I was more helpful anyway!
Thanks for starting your blog. It's nice to know there are other college students going through the same experiences.
If you want to be a photojournalist, why do you need a college degree? Sounds to me like this is a waste of time, money and spirit.
Believe me, I would not be at college if I didn't think I needed it. But there are some programs and equipment that I definitely need to learn in order to make it in the business. Final Cut Pro, Flash, Photoshop, microphones, video, audio recordings, web coding, and light boxes: these are all things that I absolutely need to know. Granted, I could learn these things from workshops or books, but college offers more than just classes. I get quality criticisms from professors and peers. I get to use school equipment. Professionals frequently come by to lecture and give portfolio critiques. I get to use the lab with all it's pricey programs for free. I have better access to internships.
There's a lot to college that sucks. But I stay for the PJ program, which is among the top in the nation. I'm constantly assesing whther it's right to stay, and have considered leaving, especially if offered a good job after an internship.
Hi Miranda! I started to leave a comment a few days ago and evidently got distracted.
My college Objectivist club was the best thing about my undergrad experience. If you don't have one at your school, you might want to look into starting one, or perhaps find one at a nearby college that you'd be able to travel to easily.
I applaud your figuring this stuff out so young--I went through similar emotions after I entered the workforce after college, and I feel like I wasted a lot of time floating on inertia, waiting for things to happen to me rather than making them happen.
Also--thanks for sending this to the Objectivist Round Up!
YOU GOT COLLEGE'D !!!
Seriously....YOU GOT PUNK'D !!!
Luckily for me, while SJC in New York certainly has its fair share of bimbos and man-whores, it does have a few interesting and dedicated students and faculty members. Writing pro-market/anti-intervention columns in the school newspaper and publically calling the bluffs of my socialist pol sci prof helps to pass the time.
Ha. COLLEGE'D. I like it. And yes, fighting the good fight through this blog and occasional LTE's has helped.
Your post was wonderfully life-affirming. :) Thanks for sharing.
Wow, Western! I got here through the link from Diana's page, but she never mentioned where you were going to school. I grew up in Bowling Green (and got the hell out the minute I was done with high school), so I can only offer my condolences. (Though I hear the photojournalism program is Western's specialty, so I guess you've got reason to be there.)
My father's a professor in the English department, usually teaching freshman writing and various literature courses--perhaps you've had a class with him?
(Are you from BG originally? If not, have you learned to pronounce "BOWLING green" like a native yet?)
I can completely sympathize with your situation. I went to the University of Chicago, which is known for being about "the life of the mind". At first I responded to college a lot like you did. I hadn't heard of Objectivism at the time but I was lucky to have a room mate who had. Joining the Objectivist club and other groups with similar interests to mine was really the way I survived college. I also moved into an upper class dorm. I found that I liked having the option of going to "dorm" social events or hanging out in the common area when I was feeling particularly lonely. In the end, I made a few very good friends and really did enjoy my college years.
I recently started medical school, which involved relocating to a new state. I went through a similar depression/surprise at the interaction of students phase here too.
This is a great post to help students take control of their lives and I applaud your efforts. I hope things continue to improve for you.
Hang in there!
Diana's recommendations are great. I also recommend off campus housing for lots of reasons. Dorms are just gross and RAs as babysitters are unnecessary for responsible people.
I also recommend getting a campus job that fits with your major if you can; like if there's a computer lab or something for PJ. That way you can work and meet cool people as co-workers and customers. Not to mention it's a fantastic resume builder and further immerses you in your field. I did the same for a Media lab for 3 years, one of the best decisions I made.
I was one of those people who would have told you how great college was. But I enjoyed your post, and upon reflection, I saw that many of the reasons I enjoyed it so much were because I had implicitly held many of the good attitudes you described as your goals.
I think what helped me most was:
1. I had to pay my own way. I had to have a job, or I couldn't afford many things. Yes I was able to live with my parents and eat but I needed to pay for auto insurance, books, phone bills, any other non-mom food, my computer, etc. I was also consequently accumulating massive debt.
2. I actually located a crowd of motivated people. There were many that were also getting drunk, etc. But there was a group that was dedicated and they weren't hard to find. They were the ones forming study groups. Also as overly broad generalizations I would say those who live off-campus or commute, and those who are "older" full time students (had to work to save money for school after HS), tended to be more focused.
This became easier as I became known as a person who did well on tests, other motivated people would seek me out to help them understand things.
3. I wasn't there to make friends or create a social life, I had good friends from outside school. I wasn't there to get drunk or play video games, I had already done my fair share. I was paying an ungodly sum for this education, knew it, and understood how hard I had to work to earn money, this motivated and focused me.
4. Drexel had a co-op program (basically a formal intern program) I was to work full-time for 18 months (paid) in a real engineering job as part of my 5 year curriculum.
I recommend if possible try and find any actual real-world work in your chosen profession. Summer internships, volunteer somewhere, start your own company, sit on the steps of the local newspaper until someone asks you to run an errand. I learned more about computers and programming (and the stock market) in 6 months sharing a cube with a crusty old mathematician turned chip designer than I had in any 6 courses put together.
I commend you for figuring out as much as you have. A key question to ask yourself in tough times is, "What do I want?" When you can answer that, it clarifies a great many questions.
It sounds like college -- at least in terms of the student body -- has degenerated to the level of what high school was like for me.
I was in Canada, and so I couldn't be certain how American college life differs from Canadian universities, but if I'd survived high school only to find this at the "next level", I'd have been pretty despondent too.
Fortunately, being a fresh Objectivist at the time I was choosing my next step after high school, I never did go to university, but went to a technical school instead (to get into the job market faster). The benefit of doing so was that this school was rather expensive, so most of the idiots who were looking to goof off were weeded out before the first year was up.
On a more technical note, as long as you were in full mental focus and weren't evading anything, you weren't really morally betraying Objectivist principles; it wasn't a breach of integrity on your part. You were just misapplying (and/or failing to see the full scope of application) of some of them, through honest error. I say this because a correct moral evaluation of oneself is crucial to one's self-esteem.
Many of my friends - especially those who were at state schools - had similarly bad experiences in college. For me, though, being 1) in the Honors program and 2) at a private college made all the difference. The former was definitely more important. The Honors program at my school reserved a few floors of one of the dorms for their students, which made for very different living situations than in the other dorms on campus. We went out and had fun, but it definitely wasn't they typical boozing and partying all weekend dorm atmosphere. We'd go to cheap ethnic restaurants together, take some classes together, discuss class material back in the dorms, etc. When we moved out of the dorms, most of us still roomed with the students we'd met in the Honors program. Various students took turns organizing trips to the Kennedy Center in DC to see ballets and orchestral performances at cheap group rates, and all of us had at least a couple good internships before we graduated. I know that my experience was very different from the experience other students - even other good students on my campus - had in school.
If there is an Honors program at your campus, you may want to look into that as well as into the other great options people have already suggested.
Whatever you do, don't do what I did: get depressed and let your GPA slide.
I had one really bad semester, followed by a few "OK" semesters. Now I've graduated and my GPA is so awful I can't get back into undergrad or fulfill my lifelong dream of going to grad school. I can't find a job in my field either. I've ruined my whole life by letting college get me down.
If you want your degree to be worth anything, maintain the best GPA you can. Go do as many co-ops, internships, volunteer in your field as much as possible. Try everything you can to nip depression in the bud before it takes over everything.
I grew up thinking that collerge would be better, as well. It wasn't. But I learned that I did really love New York city, where the school was and I got the first hints that perhaps music was not the career for me. You will learn things about yourself, too. Best wishes and thanks for posting this.
Here's my 2 cents, Miranda. Get yourself a copy of Wendy McElroy's "THE REASONABLE WOMAN: A Guide to Intellectual Survival." (The preface is online here http://www.wendymcelroy.com/prometh.htm)
Wendy is a an accomplished writer and autodidact. Among her wonderful advice is how to organize your own salon - meet interesting people, make them you friends, and keep a stimulating intellectual life by making it playful and sociable!
Becoming self-defined by being self-nurturing is a vital survival skill....if one is to flower, not just survive. Ultimately, success leads to sharing, and sharing to teaching (in whatever way self-defined).
As Wendy puts it:
"This book, The Reasonable Woman, embodies and expands upon the approach that worked for me. It offers a blueprint of what could be described as intellectual therapy for the non-academic, for women who don't have the time or interest to pursue a university degree but who want to overcome intellectual barriers. It is a psychology of reasoning for women who wish to accomplish more intellectually. Their goals may be to argue more effectively, to overcome a fear of error and of appearing foolish, or simply to learn how to reason more efficiently. All of these can be learned in a step-by-step common sense manner."
To round out my thought consonant with other commenter's above, Wendy writes: "But in the final analysis, whatever your sex, age, or educational background, the healthy functioning of your mind is as much your responsibility as that of your body. The Reasonable Woman offers you a sense of the step-by-step psychological process I went through in order to get off the streets, both emotionally and intellectually."
Story of my Life....
Thank you for posting
Great post!
I go to law school in India and I can completely sympathize with your situation. Most law subjects usually suck with the same "right to food" nonsense and were outright soporific.
I found myself locked up in a room with a laptop. Initially, I totally loved the experience because that was the time when i had just discovered objectivism and was completely hooked on it.
I didn't mind spending anytime alone.
However, things got a lot slower and in fact I still hate getting stuck in a room for a few hours. I've started my blog, am working out and am reading some great books to counteract the boredom and the depression.
As you said, I think its important not just to learn Objectivism but to actually put those principles into practice. It can be easy if one pays attention to their journey. Mine started off with a simple question I asked myself when I was staring at myself in a mirror one morning when I was brushing my teeth: "Why am I awake? I mean, why shouldn't I simply go back to bed?" It was a great question to ask and I found myself a lot more relaxed than I ever was in college.
College totally fosters depression and until one consciously picks up their baggage and moves on, one rarely breaks out of that cycle. Its never a bad day to improve ones life.
I totally understand how you feel. For me, it was the second semester of freshman year that I struggled with. First semester I was so caught up in meeting new people (including Shea) and enjoying being in challenging classes for a change that I wasn't too disappointed. However, second semester I fell pretty hard. Because I had one very close friend at college, I didn't spend very much time meeting other people, and often avoided them entirely (I found myself being let down a lot by certain character flaws, such as the partying and sleeping around and irresponsibility that you mentioned), so I ended up being pretty lonely, and ended up seeing a therapist. Towards the end of the semester I got better by cooking more for myself, working on personal projects like arranging music for a capella, and drawing, just so I knew that my happiness was in my own hands, and the actions of others couldn't stop me from doing what I cared about.
This year Shea and I are living in a dorm apartment together with a greater opportunity for independence. Although I still have trouble with finding people who share my values, and some of my classes are disappointing, I've found that I've been much happier this semester, and hope the upward trend will continue into next semester when I'll be taking more interesting classes.
It's nice to know I'm not the only one who encountered this issue with college. Thanks for the great post.
That was it, Miranda! You did the right thing, make a list of goals. That's a good remedy for the blues, especially when you're in college. It gets your head off the unnecessary negative stuff and converts that into productivity. We all get that feeling sometimes, but it doesn't really help you in any way. So just carry on with good vibes! :)
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