I had always expected college to be awesome. High school felt more like a daycare than a place to learn (albeit a few classes). So senior year, I was so excited to finally get out, to move onto bigger and better things at college, to study what I wanted and leave all the immaturity behind. Coming to college, I expected stimulating conversations with interesting people. I expected people who really loved what they were doing, who were passionate and intellectual. I expected... more.
Unfortunately that's not what I found here at Western, not completely. What I found were people who spent most of their time partying an sleeping around. I found people who couldn't care less about their classes, who had no idea what they were doing at college. I found that many of my classes in senior year were harder than the general education requirements I'm taking now. I hardly ever found thoughtful discussion, just gossip. I didn't find those deep, interesting people I had imagined. I was so disappointed. And what's worse is that when I voiced my frustrations with college, people said something along the lines of "Oh yeah, college sucks." That's not what you told me in high school! Everyone had told me that I would LOVE college. That I would fit right in. That it would be the best time of my life. And now they were telling me that it's not all it's cracked up to be?
Disappointment plus not having many close friends at college led to loneliness and some depression. I spent a lot of time alone in my dorm room. I spent hours on the phone and computer talking to my best friend 500+ miles away, often complaining about how much it all sucked. I latched onto him so much that he was my single social contact. Coming home for a month and half of winter break, I decided to spend time with old friends, work on a photo story to keep me occupied, and try to get a job. The job was a bust. Nobody was hiring, especially not for one month. I hung out with friends, which was fun, but being apart had removed a lot of common ground. And as for the photo story, I was only able to work on it towards the end of break, and laziness kept me in bed when I should have been shooting. I wasn't much happier, and it was ruining my self esteem, my relationships, and my life.
Talking to a few people helped me realize that I needed to change. My dad told me not to be a victim in my own life. My friend told me to try to find some college friends to keep me sane. But some of the best advice I got was from Diana Hsieh at NoodleFood. I emailed her asking how she got to be so happy and if she had any advice for improving my life in college. She sent this in return:
Miranda --
I wasn't particularly happy in college. I was actually pretty depressed at
times.
I was definitely lonely; I found few interesting people in my classes. My
two best friends were from outside school.
Also, I felt too much at the beck and call of the people and events around
me, such that I couldn't create my own life. I felt caught between still
being my parents' kid (like still going home for summers, finishing college
on my father's schedule, etc) and creating my own life. I disliked the
grind of coursework -- something I still hated as a graduate student. I
never felt like I had enough time to seriously think about what I was
learning.
I think two decisions kept me relatively sane in college:
(1) I got a apartment off-campus in my sophomore year. (I had two
roommates.) I could live my own life to a great extent, rather than living
the standard college dorm life. I could cook my own food, keep my own
schedule, pay my own bills, spend time alone, etc. Those little things
mattered a great deal to me.
(2) I worked a regular job outside of school -- as a waitress in a
restaurant in a nearby business district. I liked the people I worked with
better than I liked the people I was in class with. I had more interesting
-- and more real -- conversations with them. I was proud of the money that
I made.
Still, I wasn't terribly happy -- and sometimes I was pretty miserable.
After college, life got much better very quickly, I felt like my life was
finally my own: I came into my own as a person. I moved to a new city --
not back to my home town. I felt no obligation to heed my parents' advice,
as they weren't supporting me. (My parents aren't overbearing, although I
did have a big fight with my mother the first time I didn't come home for
Christmas.) I began developing my own interests apart from anything I'd
ever learned in school (e.g. programming, gardening). Still, I wasn't
dating the right person for me, and that created problems and conflicts.
Ultimately, my life has become mostly fabulous since my marriage to Paul.
(The worst time -- by far -- was when I was finishing up my coursework in
graduate school. UGH.) I won't bore you with the details of that, but the
critical fact is that life is so very easy with him. I never feel hampered
or restricted by him, as I did with prior boyfriends. Also, since we've
been married, I've been able to cultivate my own personal interests even
more -- like gardening, cooking, fitness, etc. (Note that those are largely
physical pursuits. I figure that I do enough hard thinking in my regular
work.)
All of that is probably more than you needed to know. For concrete
recommendations, I'd recommend that you think about living and working
off-campus, if you're not doing that already. Find some way of interacting
with real people (i.e. not college students or professors) in pursuit of
some common values, e.g. take a cooking class or start crossfit training.
You might also consider starting some kind of project that matters to you
personally -- like pursuing some fitness goal or learning to cook or
learning to shoot pistols or something. Or find better people on the
internet. Or start some internet-based project in pursuit of something that
matters to you.
I hope you find that helpful. College life does suck in many ways -- so you
just have to work around it if you choose to stay.
--DMH
Wow, did that help. I'm not the only one who was disappointed by college! Someone else had gone through the same thing and come out the other side loving life.
Something else that helped was Craig Biddle's lecture "God Said". Part of the lecture focuses on how to apply Objectivism to you life. One of the lessons that stuck out in my mind is that in order to achieve happiness, one has to pursue values. To seek out productive work, fulfilling hobbies, good relationships, and work towards maintaining one's freedom.
I hadn't done any of that. I realized that the reason my life sucked so much was that I wasn't being selfish. I wasn't making myself and my happiness my central purpose. Instead I was focusing too much on other people and how they were ruining my college experience. I wasn't pursuing values, I was sitting in my dorm room waiting for life to change. I was playing the victim. I had thought that by simply supporting Objectivism, by believing in man as an end himself, believing in selfishness and rationality, that I had already succeeded in being a true Objectivist. But I wasn't living by the principles I believed in, which is the whole point.
So after that mini-epiphany I made a list of things to do to make sure life was better this semester. I call it "College Take Two."
1. Get a job. (This has proven to be tough in a college town in a bad economy. Nobody seems to be hiring. Nonetheless I've put out applications to many places and continually check the classifieds. Also applied for some internship, including the ARI Summer Internship!)
2. Go to more PJ events. (I'm finding photojournalism kids are the passionate interesting people I was looking for. Socializing with them is always fun, and being around them makes me more involved with my work.)
3. Start working out. (Eh, I've been slacking on this one. I don't particularly like exercising in front of people at the gym, and it's too cold to be outside much. But I do plan on starting dance classes next semester and I'm looking out for local adult classes now.)
4. Talk to more people. (I can't meet those fabulous people if I don't reach out, right? This includes just talking more to strangers, people at parties, classmates, etc.)
5. Go to more events on and off campus. (Another way to meet people, to probe for photo story ideas, and check out some cool stuff. So far I've gone to more of PJ lectures, parties, deaf community events, and some poetry readings.)
6. Pick a minor. (I've tested out of some classes, so I'm a few classes ahead. I need a minor soonish. Right now I'm considering minoring in dance, philosophy, or film studies, though I really wish I could minor in ASL. I'm meeting with department heads and trying to sit in on a few classes to make the decision.)
7. Apply like hell for scholarships. (I barely got any for this year. I'd rather not dig the hole deeper with student loans next year.)
8. Get a library card. (I like to read.)
9. Get a 4.0. (Being super white and my parents "making too much money", I need kick ass grades to get the academic scholarships. I got a 3.8 last semester.)
10. Develop my interests. (Listen to more performance poetry. Get more involved in colorguard. Read. Start a blog.)
So far I've been doing better, a lot better than last semester. It's still a struggle at times since I'm not the best at handling my emotions. I have to constantly remind myself of this list and to keep things in perspective. But I'm happier. I feel more in control of my life. I don't have many close friends at college, but being alone doesn't suck anymore. I only expect things to get better.